Revisiting some of the early years

Dearest Reefy,  

Today has been one of those really gnarly days, in so much as i have you in the forefront of my thoughts.  I was sitting out in the surf yesterday thinking about what you must feel when you think of me.  I thought, I wonder if Reefy just does not know where I am. I wonder if he knows how much I love him.

I hope he does not see other boys with there Dad, and think that his does not care. Because Reefy I do, more than life itself, but I am unable to see you.  I am presently cut of, severed in my access and contact to you. It may sound heavy, although I want you to have no illusions of how much I want to be with you today. 

To hold you when you are not well, and tell you it is all going to be ok. To patch you up when you launch down and steep hill on your skatey and get completely owned.   To brush you off and tell you all the injuries I have had, and that to get back on the horse and try again.  

So my littlest of men, remember every day that your Daddy adores you completely and would love to be right there with you.  I hope you are having a wonderful day, and I am sorry if this entry was a little on the sad side :)

Love Daddy  xxxxxoooooo

2012 - Year for Us

Dear Reefy,

Happy New Year my gorgeous boy, oh how I miss you. I woke up on the first morning of this year and thought of You.  I wanted to hold you, I wanted to whisper in your cute little ear how much I love and adore you.  Although I couldn't.  You are presently beyond my reach.


I with all my heart want to stay positive and hopeful, although some days I just get overwhelmed and I cant help but well up and cry.  Man tears of course :)  I don't understand why your Mum wont let me see you,  but I need to keep on a positive track and not let resentful thoughts creep in.

I was sitting on Jesse's bed, on New Years Eve last year, and I said to him that my main new years resolution is to make sure my boys are happy.  Seems very simple, but some days it seems so complicated.

I have been trying to call every second day, although so far this year Jesse and I have not been able to get through.  I find it so hard, as I feel we are missing so much of each other. I dont know how buddy, but one day I will make it up to you. 

Maybe it will be a thousand cuddles,  a thousand kisses, a thousands times tucking you in and telling you I love you, a thousand stories, a thousand times holding your little hand.  Today I would be happy with just one hug from your my littlest man, or to hear you call out for me once.

Mustering all my faith and hope I am calling this a year for us buddy.  I am not sure how I will  do it but I will do everything I can to make it such a year.  Like standing on the beach looking out at a large, strong south swell rolling past.  I see the sets feathering out to the horizon and think "will I make it out?", and the only way I will find out is by putting my leggy on, running into the water, jumping over that first wave, and feeling the cold rush as I take my first few strokes.  As the first wall of white water comes, I brace myself and surge down deep, pushing with my foot down and through, knowing I will have to do this over and over to get out into clear water. 

We will  find our clear water Reefy,  I love and adore you more and more each day.  Miss you my littlest man. Love Daddy xxxxxx ooooo