Irony Drips

Afternoon my Gorgeous Boy,

I was thinking about you yesterday, as I always do.  I would love to see you, but I cant get to you.  I am not allowed to see you.  It has been six months now since Jesse and I were allowed to visit you for the day. We went to zoo down there, and had such a wonderful time.

I wanted it not to end, but alas it did and I am back here, and you are back there and I miss you.

I wrote a poem a while ago, while watching a Mum walk along with her child.  I hope you like it, and one day understand that I wanted to, and want to be a great Dad for you.

"He chatters away walking three feet behind,  "Mum, Mum, Mum,"
She strides off ahead, so many thoughts in her mind, hum, drum, hum.  


Only a month before she waited on his first word, when will it come?  
Now he's talking away and barely heard, listen to your son.  


The years will run by and those words will be lost, never to return,  
If she captured then now and treasured there sound, her love he would learn.  


"And Billy said that, and Johnny said this, can I go for a ride today?"
More than words that are said, there's a cry in the tone "Mum listen to me." 

All it takes is a turn, and the catch of an eye, and "what was that you said?"
If your to busy to listen, your too busy in life, stop and turn instead." 

I love you Reefy with all my heart.  Dad xxx ooo

Valentines Day 2012

Hi Gorgeous Boy,

Thinking of you today,   I forgot to call you this morning and felt terrible, although when I tried last Friday your mum had her phone off.  She has been quite upset since I responded to her letter.  Falling in and out of love is a tough thing to understand, let alone explain. I suppose that today of all days, is a day that love is focused on and celebrated or missed.

It seems to some people once you say "I love you" " I want to spend my life with you" "I love waking next to you" and mean it with all your heart. If that relationship then fails, you have no right to ever say that to anyone else with any sincerity or truth.  You have no right to ever fall in love again, you have no right to share the deepest places in your heart with them.

I love with all my heart Reefy, and I loved your Mother, but she chose not to want it anymore.  She chose to walk away, and now is very angry that after almost 2 years of living alone with Jesse my heart has been captured by someone who seems to value it.  Who seems to want to return it. As wary and scared as I am. So afraid of being rejected again, of giving my heart and getting a return to sender.  I have chosen to try again, to attempt to love again, and I think I suck at it haha.

I miss you with all my soul mate, and it seems like I am unable to get through to you again.  I pray that this will shift sometime soon.  I just want to hold you, and feel a little kiss from you. To make you giggle with my stubbly beard. I love you Reefy, and I will endevour to keep in touch with you.

all my love,  Dad xxx 00

The Letter

Dear Reefy, 

It was my birthday yesterday and I turned a whopping 38 haha.  So damn old now :)  I was so stoked to speak to you in the afternoon. You sounded so cute.  I adore you buddy.  I miss you. I love you. 

Life up here in Sydney is going well,  about 4 months ago I met a really lovely girl called Kate.  She has really been for me a revelation.  Jesse is good with her, yet sometimes very cheeky as he always will be I suppose.  I am sure you have a cheeky streak like him and .... mmmmm me too. 

I suppose I am telling you this Reefy, because I got a letter from your Mum the other day. I had not been able to get in contact with you for the last 5 weeks, and after a few emails got this letter in the post.  It was letter talking about how she wanted to make a go of our marriage again, that she still loved me and wanted to be with me.  This is almost 2 years after you had been moved down to Melbourne. 

I can hear your questions as you grow into a great man.  Why didn't you want to get back together with Mum, Dad ?   That is not the easiest question to answer, and all I can do is answer from my heart.  I don't know why some relationships work and some don't.  When your Mum and I had you buddy,  we loved each other.   Due to circumstances not related to you at all, things were very hard.  Both of us, dealt with these tough times differently. Your mum moved you down to Melbourne, where I fought with my heart and soul to see you, although rarely successfully.   

This constant disappointment and effectively shutting out my role as your Dad, broke my heart to pieces.  I fell out of love with your Mum very rapidly, and my over riding emotion was frustration and anger.  There were many times, when it was said you were coming back to Sydney and non ever eventuated. I hope I am not being to blunt here. I just feel you really deserve to know.  I lost all trust in your Mum.  

Your mum is a great lady, and she loves you very very much.  She has a big heart and I would never want you to think less of her, because of me. 

As we grow together I hope with all my heart and soul that you will see me as a Dad that absolutely adores you.  I want to be there for you in all things buddy.   All my love, Dad xxxxooooo