Back to Square 1

Hi Buddy, 

I haven't written in a while due to the fact that recently, well up until 4 week's ago I was getting to see you on a pretty regular basis.  I had agreed with your Mum's conditions that I would get to see you for 1.5 hours a fortnight under the conditions that I pay the child support on time, and a bunch other conditions that I won't go into here.  One of those was to call you every Monday morning in a 30 minute slot, to see how your weekend was. 

This was not an issue, as I was frothing to see you, and missed time with you so much as it had been almost a year since I saw your cute little face.  So all was going well, Kate and I even got to take you away to the mountains for a weekend while your Mum was at a wedding.  Loooooved it.  You are such a well behaved little man, and I am super proud of you. 

Although as life goes sometimes, all goes along smoothly then we hit a bump and if your not watching the road or holding the wheel right, the car can for a moment swerve off course.  This is what happened.  Your Mum wanted to get in contact with your grandma (my Mum) and to be honest as Amma has not been able to see you much, and missed you terribly in your early years, and for that does not have the strongest positive feelings towards your Mum. 

I am sure over time this will ease, but it is still pretty fresh.  So I tried to call your Mum and explain really carefully that Mum respected her as your Mum, and thinks that she was doing a great job, but just was not super comfortable in fostering a friendship at this time.   Your Mum did not take it well, and stopped my access to you as a result.   After a week, she said I could see you again, although I was 3 days late on a support payment and had missed calling your 2 times due to good reason that I informed your mum off. 
Although it all kind of snowballed from there, and now I sit here in the library at Mona Vale, unable to see you anymore as your Mum does not think I want to take responsibility for you.

Let me tell you this my little champion.  If I was given the chance to love, care for and take responsibility for you. More than just a fortnightly payment to your Mum, I would jump at it with both feet.  Nothing more in life I would love is to wake up to you, the give you a shower or bath at night, to make you a yummy dinner, to wipe your snotty nose, or hold you when your not well, read to you, tell you story's of the ocean and life and most important of all to tell you as you close your eyes to sleep how much I love and adore you.

It is like I have had my hands tied behind my back, and someone is throwing a ball at me, saying catch it, see you don't want to catch it do you. 

I want to give you all of me, but I am not able to because the opportunity has been taken away from us.  I hope that someday soon this will change again, and we will be able to be Father and Son again.  In between now and then my little man. I love you with all my heart and am proud of the little man you are becoming.

Lots of love, Dad xooooo

You Turned 3

Hi Reefy,

Last Saturday you turned 3 years old.  I am sure it was a wonderful day. I am sure you had a beautiful cake made of yummy stuff and lots of icing to lick off. I am sure you got loads of presents because your such a good little boy.  I am sure you had lots of people around you, wishing you happy birthday and giving you kisses and hugs.

 

"When you were just born" 

I am sure about these things, but I am not sure whether you got the present Jesse and I sent you.   I am not sure you know that I tried to call you 2 times on the morning of your birthday, and Jesse tried to call you once. I not sure you know how much I missed not seeing you on your birthday.  I am not sure you know how many times Jesse asked me if we could go down to see you for your birthday.  I am not sure these days that you even know how much your Dad loves you, how much my heart breaks to see you.

I am sure over the years you may be told by your Mum lots of things about me.  All I hope is that one day, you will see that I love you, and have loved you all these years.

I will finish this entry on a lighter note :)  Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you. You smell like a monkey, and eat Banana's like one too.   You may also find out that your Dad tell's really bad jokes and likes to think he is a bit of a poet haha.

Love you gorgeous Boy,
Dad xxxxoo

Let not your Fears Win

Hi Gorgeous Boy, 

Jesse and I are sitting out on the balcony, and he is eating some chops and lettuce (and so not loving it haha) and I thought about how much I miss you.  I love you and adore you buddy.  We have not seen you since August last year, and it as not been from lack of trying to asking.  Although that is another story for another time.

I want to tell you something very simple today my little man.   Never let your fears rule you.  Let not your fears win.  Tonight I am so afraid of rejection in love again, although I am not going to let it win. I just wont. 

I want to believe in love, I want to trust it, lay my head in its lap and let my soul rest for a moment.  Although there are times when my past experiences want to rob me with fear.  The greatest moments of your life my little man will be when you face a fear that would otherwise cripple you, and you rise above it. 

I was just talking to Jesse about it. He said his greatest fear is paddling out the back on a stand up board.  He said what if I get smashed ? You get back up and keep paddling. Then he said what if I get caught in a rip ? Well you paddle out of it. 

There will be alot of "what if's" in life buddy.  What you need to do is just say, well what if I dont overcome this.  That what if is far worse than the ones that will come when you face that fear. 

Jesse and I love you with all our hearts, and hoping to see you soon.  Big kisses, hugs and tickles...

love Dad and Jesse xxxxxxxx

Irony Drips

Afternoon my Gorgeous Boy,

I was thinking about you yesterday, as I always do.  I would love to see you, but I cant get to you.  I am not allowed to see you.  It has been six months now since Jesse and I were allowed to visit you for the day. We went to zoo down there, and had such a wonderful time.

I wanted it not to end, but alas it did and I am back here, and you are back there and I miss you.

I wrote a poem a while ago, while watching a Mum walk along with her child.  I hope you like it, and one day understand that I wanted to, and want to be a great Dad for you.

"He chatters away walking three feet behind,  "Mum, Mum, Mum,"
She strides off ahead, so many thoughts in her mind, hum, drum, hum.  


Only a month before she waited on his first word, when will it come?  
Now he's talking away and barely heard, listen to your son.  


The years will run by and those words will be lost, never to return,  
If she captured then now and treasured there sound, her love he would learn.  


"And Billy said that, and Johnny said this, can I go for a ride today?"
More than words that are said, there's a cry in the tone "Mum listen to me." 

All it takes is a turn, and the catch of an eye, and "what was that you said?"
If your to busy to listen, your too busy in life, stop and turn instead." 

I love you Reefy with all my heart.  Dad xxx ooo

Valentines Day 2012

Hi Gorgeous Boy,

Thinking of you today,   I forgot to call you this morning and felt terrible, although when I tried last Friday your mum had her phone off.  She has been quite upset since I responded to her letter.  Falling in and out of love is a tough thing to understand, let alone explain. I suppose that today of all days, is a day that love is focused on and celebrated or missed.

It seems to some people once you say "I love you" " I want to spend my life with you" "I love waking next to you" and mean it with all your heart. If that relationship then fails, you have no right to ever say that to anyone else with any sincerity or truth.  You have no right to ever fall in love again, you have no right to share the deepest places in your heart with them.

I love with all my heart Reefy, and I loved your Mother, but she chose not to want it anymore.  She chose to walk away, and now is very angry that after almost 2 years of living alone with Jesse my heart has been captured by someone who seems to value it.  Who seems to want to return it. As wary and scared as I am. So afraid of being rejected again, of giving my heart and getting a return to sender.  I have chosen to try again, to attempt to love again, and I think I suck at it haha.

I miss you with all my soul mate, and it seems like I am unable to get through to you again.  I pray that this will shift sometime soon.  I just want to hold you, and feel a little kiss from you. To make you giggle with my stubbly beard. I love you Reefy, and I will endevour to keep in touch with you.

all my love,  Dad xxx 00

The Letter

Dear Reefy, 

It was my birthday yesterday and I turned a whopping 38 haha.  So damn old now :)  I was so stoked to speak to you in the afternoon. You sounded so cute.  I adore you buddy.  I miss you. I love you. 

Life up here in Sydney is going well,  about 4 months ago I met a really lovely girl called Kate.  She has really been for me a revelation.  Jesse is good with her, yet sometimes very cheeky as he always will be I suppose.  I am sure you have a cheeky streak like him and .... mmmmm me too. 

I suppose I am telling you this Reefy, because I got a letter from your Mum the other day. I had not been able to get in contact with you for the last 5 weeks, and after a few emails got this letter in the post.  It was letter talking about how she wanted to make a go of our marriage again, that she still loved me and wanted to be with me.  This is almost 2 years after you had been moved down to Melbourne. 

I can hear your questions as you grow into a great man.  Why didn't you want to get back together with Mum, Dad ?   That is not the easiest question to answer, and all I can do is answer from my heart.  I don't know why some relationships work and some don't.  When your Mum and I had you buddy,  we loved each other.   Due to circumstances not related to you at all, things were very hard.  Both of us, dealt with these tough times differently. Your mum moved you down to Melbourne, where I fought with my heart and soul to see you, although rarely successfully.   

This constant disappointment and effectively shutting out my role as your Dad, broke my heart to pieces.  I fell out of love with your Mum very rapidly, and my over riding emotion was frustration and anger.  There were many times, when it was said you were coming back to Sydney and non ever eventuated. I hope I am not being to blunt here. I just feel you really deserve to know.  I lost all trust in your Mum.  

Your mum is a great lady, and she loves you very very much.  She has a big heart and I would never want you to think less of her, because of me. 

As we grow together I hope with all my heart and soul that you will see me as a Dad that absolutely adores you.  I want to be there for you in all things buddy.   All my love, Dad xxxxooooo

Revisiting some of the early years

Dearest Reefy,  

Today has been one of those really gnarly days, in so much as i have you in the forefront of my thoughts.  I was sitting out in the surf yesterday thinking about what you must feel when you think of me.  I thought, I wonder if Reefy just does not know where I am. I wonder if he knows how much I love him.

I hope he does not see other boys with there Dad, and think that his does not care. Because Reefy I do, more than life itself, but I am unable to see you.  I am presently cut of, severed in my access and contact to you. It may sound heavy, although I want you to have no illusions of how much I want to be with you today. 

To hold you when you are not well, and tell you it is all going to be ok. To patch you up when you launch down and steep hill on your skatey and get completely owned.   To brush you off and tell you all the injuries I have had, and that to get back on the horse and try again.  

So my littlest of men, remember every day that your Daddy adores you completely and would love to be right there with you.  I hope you are having a wonderful day, and I am sorry if this entry was a little on the sad side :)

Love Daddy  xxxxxoooooo