Irony Drips

Afternoon my Gorgeous Boy,

I was thinking about you yesterday, as I always do.  I would love to see you, but I cant get to you.  I am not allowed to see you.  It has been six months now since Jesse and I were allowed to visit you for the day. We went to zoo down there, and had such a wonderful time.

I wanted it not to end, but alas it did and I am back here, and you are back there and I miss you.

I wrote a poem a while ago, while watching a Mum walk along with her child.  I hope you like it, and one day understand that I wanted to, and want to be a great Dad for you.

"He chatters away walking three feet behind,  "Mum, Mum, Mum,"
She strides off ahead, so many thoughts in her mind, hum, drum, hum.  


Only a month before she waited on his first word, when will it come?  
Now he's talking away and barely heard, listen to your son.  


The years will run by and those words will be lost, never to return,  
If she captured then now and treasured there sound, her love he would learn.  


"And Billy said that, and Johnny said this, can I go for a ride today?"
More than words that are said, there's a cry in the tone "Mum listen to me." 

All it takes is a turn, and the catch of an eye, and "what was that you said?"
If your to busy to listen, your too busy in life, stop and turn instead." 

I love you Reefy with all my heart.  Dad xxx ooo

Valentines Day 2012

Hi Gorgeous Boy,

Thinking of you today,   I forgot to call you this morning and felt terrible, although when I tried last Friday your mum had her phone off.  She has been quite upset since I responded to her letter.  Falling in and out of love is a tough thing to understand, let alone explain. I suppose that today of all days, is a day that love is focused on and celebrated or missed.

It seems to some people once you say "I love you" " I want to spend my life with you" "I love waking next to you" and mean it with all your heart. If that relationship then fails, you have no right to ever say that to anyone else with any sincerity or truth.  You have no right to ever fall in love again, you have no right to share the deepest places in your heart with them.

I love with all my heart Reefy, and I loved your Mother, but she chose not to want it anymore.  She chose to walk away, and now is very angry that after almost 2 years of living alone with Jesse my heart has been captured by someone who seems to value it.  Who seems to want to return it. As wary and scared as I am. So afraid of being rejected again, of giving my heart and getting a return to sender.  I have chosen to try again, to attempt to love again, and I think I suck at it haha.

I miss you with all my soul mate, and it seems like I am unable to get through to you again.  I pray that this will shift sometime soon.  I just want to hold you, and feel a little kiss from you. To make you giggle with my stubbly beard. I love you Reefy, and I will endevour to keep in touch with you.

all my love,  Dad xxx 00

The Letter

Dear Reefy, 

It was my birthday yesterday and I turned a whopping 38 haha.  So damn old now :)  I was so stoked to speak to you in the afternoon. You sounded so cute.  I adore you buddy.  I miss you. I love you. 

Life up here in Sydney is going well,  about 4 months ago I met a really lovely girl called Kate.  She has really been for me a revelation.  Jesse is good with her, yet sometimes very cheeky as he always will be I suppose.  I am sure you have a cheeky streak like him and .... mmmmm me too. 

I suppose I am telling you this Reefy, because I got a letter from your Mum the other day. I had not been able to get in contact with you for the last 5 weeks, and after a few emails got this letter in the post.  It was letter talking about how she wanted to make a go of our marriage again, that she still loved me and wanted to be with me.  This is almost 2 years after you had been moved down to Melbourne. 

I can hear your questions as you grow into a great man.  Why didn't you want to get back together with Mum, Dad ?   That is not the easiest question to answer, and all I can do is answer from my heart.  I don't know why some relationships work and some don't.  When your Mum and I had you buddy,  we loved each other.   Due to circumstances not related to you at all, things were very hard.  Both of us, dealt with these tough times differently. Your mum moved you down to Melbourne, where I fought with my heart and soul to see you, although rarely successfully.   

This constant disappointment and effectively shutting out my role as your Dad, broke my heart to pieces.  I fell out of love with your Mum very rapidly, and my over riding emotion was frustration and anger.  There were many times, when it was said you were coming back to Sydney and non ever eventuated. I hope I am not being to blunt here. I just feel you really deserve to know.  I lost all trust in your Mum.  

Your mum is a great lady, and she loves you very very much.  She has a big heart and I would never want you to think less of her, because of me. 

As we grow together I hope with all my heart and soul that you will see me as a Dad that absolutely adores you.  I want to be there for you in all things buddy.   All my love, Dad xxxxooooo

Revisiting some of the early years

Dearest Reefy,  

Today has been one of those really gnarly days, in so much as i have you in the forefront of my thoughts.  I was sitting out in the surf yesterday thinking about what you must feel when you think of me.  I thought, I wonder if Reefy just does not know where I am. I wonder if he knows how much I love him.

I hope he does not see other boys with there Dad, and think that his does not care. Because Reefy I do, more than life itself, but I am unable to see you.  I am presently cut of, severed in my access and contact to you. It may sound heavy, although I want you to have no illusions of how much I want to be with you today. 

To hold you when you are not well, and tell you it is all going to be ok. To patch you up when you launch down and steep hill on your skatey and get completely owned.   To brush you off and tell you all the injuries I have had, and that to get back on the horse and try again.  

So my littlest of men, remember every day that your Daddy adores you completely and would love to be right there with you.  I hope you are having a wonderful day, and I am sorry if this entry was a little on the sad side :)

Love Daddy  xxxxxoooooo

2012 - Year for Us

Dear Reefy,

Happy New Year my gorgeous boy, oh how I miss you. I woke up on the first morning of this year and thought of You.  I wanted to hold you, I wanted to whisper in your cute little ear how much I love and adore you.  Although I couldn't.  You are presently beyond my reach.


I with all my heart want to stay positive and hopeful, although some days I just get overwhelmed and I cant help but well up and cry.  Man tears of course :)  I don't understand why your Mum wont let me see you,  but I need to keep on a positive track and not let resentful thoughts creep in.

I was sitting on Jesse's bed, on New Years Eve last year, and I said to him that my main new years resolution is to make sure my boys are happy.  Seems very simple, but some days it seems so complicated.

I have been trying to call every second day, although so far this year Jesse and I have not been able to get through.  I find it so hard, as I feel we are missing so much of each other. I dont know how buddy, but one day I will make it up to you. 

Maybe it will be a thousand cuddles,  a thousand kisses, a thousands times tucking you in and telling you I love you, a thousand stories, a thousand times holding your little hand.  Today I would be happy with just one hug from your my littlest man, or to hear you call out for me once.

Mustering all my faith and hope I am calling this a year for us buddy.  I am not sure how I will  do it but I will do everything I can to make it such a year.  Like standing on the beach looking out at a large, strong south swell rolling past.  I see the sets feathering out to the horizon and think "will I make it out?", and the only way I will find out is by putting my leggy on, running into the water, jumping over that first wave, and feeling the cold rush as I take my first few strokes.  As the first wall of white water comes, I brace myself and surge down deep, pushing with my foot down and through, knowing I will have to do this over and over to get out into clear water. 

We will  find our clear water Reefy,  I love and adore you more and more each day.  Miss you my littlest man. Love Daddy xxxxxx ooooo

Merry Christmas Reefy 2011

Dear Reefy, 

It is actually boxing day today, the surf is pumping and I have been out getting some bombs for a good 5 hours. Yewwwww.  Your bug brother is at his Mum's and I spoke to him yesterday, he was frothing over his pressies. 

I hope you liked the presents we sent down to you.  I tried to call you on Christmas day, but could not get through. Left you a voice mail saying that I hoped you had a wonderful Christmas and Santa brought you lots of fun things.  I am sure you have been the very best boy this year, and deserve all the goodies you can hold :) 

I would love to give you a big hug from Daddy for Christmas, but alas it is not to be this year. I sat at home yesterday and thought what a different Christmas it is to last year. Last year (2010) I had both you and Jesse over, and it was so cool.  Busy, busy, busy but so cool.  You both woke up, and tackled each other around the tree.  I think you loved the wrapping paper more than your actual pressy haha. 

I love so much having my boys together, it is what that day is all about.  I am trying so hard to see you buddy, but unfortunately your Mum is not really letting me.  I think of you every day, and love you with all my heart and soul.  I want to wrap you up in my arms and give you the biggest cuddle you have ever had, but your out of arms reach for me right now. 

One day it will turn around for us Reefy.  Your Daddy loves you, and will see to that your life has me in it, somehow.  My Christmas wish this year is that soon I can cuddle you, tickle you with my spiky face and wrestle you till you cant take it anymore haha.  Love you buddy.   

All my love, Daddy xxxxx

The world is an Interesting Place

 4/4/2011

 Dear Reefy, 

How are you this morning gorgeous boy?  I want to start by saying that I adore you, love you and miss you terribly.  There is a good chance I will start alot of my entries like this, and I suppose it is because it is my overriding emotion when I think of you. 

Last weekend was great, just hung out with Jesse. We went to the beach, to Levi's 2nd birthday, and I know he would have loved you to be there.  He was very cute.  Jesse played with him for ages. I suppose he kind of thinks of him like a little brother, although you will always be his little brother.

The world is an interesting place.  In today's paper there is a story about "Human Cow Milk". Some chinese scientists have created a herd of 200 genetically engineered cows, that produce breast milk. At least milk with the same properties as breast milk.  I wonder what on earth they will be doing when you are my age buddy.

It has been almost a year since your Mum went down to Melbourne with you and I got incredibly sad on the weekend when I had a realisation that I had missed the greater part of a year with you.  I hate it.  Although I hope with all my heart it will change my champion. I will make sure I see you here. Love you, cuddle you and be there for your days/month/years to come.

have a wonderful day, Love Dad xxxxxxx ooooo